2Passion's Blog
Confessions of a Baby Boomer

Jan
20

Ok. I think I probably bring a different perspective to this whole issue.  I think my ex was a narcissist.  I was an enabler. I was an adulterer.  I cheated. I tried to reconcile. It didn’t work. I filed for divorce. I have dealt with the aftermath of the affairs and the divorce.  I am very happy.  The ex is not and seems incapable of moving on. Maybe not different but broader.  Been there. Done that.

So I think that about covers it all. Plus throw in the fact that I am old, and you have wealth of knowledge.  I can tell you exactly what not to do!

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Every situation is different.  I see people dealing with the pain of affairs.  What to do?  Reconcile?  Separate? Divorce?  Here is one thing I know, the aggrieved spouse has control if they know how to use it.  I don’t mean control  over the cheating partner but control over what happens.  In most cases, judges don’t like adultery and the threat of that can often benefit the aggrieved spouse if they want to separate or divorce.  But there is something that you need to be aware of. In some states, condonation is approval of certain behavior. As it applies to the divorce,condonation happens when you resume sexual relations after you learn that your partner has been unfaithful. A night together for old time’s sake after learning of adultery could pull the legs out from a case based on adulteryIt could also apply to other situations.

 

Also, I know of a case where the cheating partner wanted to reconcile and confessed to other affairs in counseling.  In our state, that is not protected and the aggrieved spouse hammered them in a settlement.

You never want to counsel people to get a divorce but you need to know what your legal rights are in your particular case.

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So here I am. Hit me with your best shot.

 

Jan
19

I keep wanting to move on to the good, sexy, passionate part of my story but I am constantly drawn to the posts of others who have and are going through the pain of affairs.

As crazy as it sounds, I also had pain even though I was the cheater.  I felt pain for my ex.  I felt pain for my partners.  And I felt pain myself that I caused others pain.  Not my intention but fact.

Yesterday I went to a funeral. An amazing lady  True pillar of the church. She is going home!

 

The funeral was held at the church the ex and I went to for many years.  We had started going somewhere else toward the end on our marriage, for a number of reasons unrelated to our situation.  So it had been a while since I had been there.  When I was looking for the family, the new pastor asked, and rather briskly, “Can I help you?”  I started to say, “No,  I was here for 30 years before you got here.”  But i didn’t.  But that put me back into the church.  Back into the congregation,  We called ourselves a warm, inviting church.  But we weren’t.  More the “frozen chosen”.

I saw some old friends I had not seen in a while.  They appeared to be clearly divided.  Those that were happy to see me happy.  And those that were pissed to see me happy.  All that was a direct response to the divorce and probably my affair. Maybe I need to redefine friends.

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When the kids were young, we had probably 13 couples with young children that hung around together.  Dinners.  Golf. Beach trips. Vacations.  You name it.  Well, one couple got a divorce and that was it for them.  Piranhas would have been more welcome to our next beach trip.  Both ended up relocating. Those close, christian friends were not so close after all.  And at a time when friends were needed most.

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I have realized that we were really not that close to anyone toward the end of our marriage.  We rarely went out.  Never had people over.  We have some good friends now that we are closer with than before.

After the divorce, the ex moved back to our home town.  Not that far away.  She did not like being labeled as the betrayed spouse and still lets me know if she runs into someone and they say anything, about anything.

So, bottom line, affairs cause all kinds of pain to a lot of people.  It breaks up friendships. It can also define true friendship.  But it is hard to go back!

Jan
14

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I was going to write something sexy or my attempt at sexy anyway.  A follow up to my sex addiction complex.

But I started reading several posts from those that I have recently followed and those that have found me.

It is really amazing the similarities to our group from 10 years ago.  The pain.  The disbelief. The confusion. The anger. The frustrations.

After my affairs, I tired to stay together but after no changes, in either of us I must say, I decided to get a divorce. I am happy. The ex is not.

Seeing these posts makes me realize how hard it is for some to move on. I think the blogs help get some of the emotions out. Help get understanding and help in dealing with all that has and is happening.  The ex can not move on. Maybe she should blog.  Maybe she is!

If you are now apart, that decision has been made and maybe moving on is a little easier for some.

If you are still together, either move on and separate or move on in your relationship. The lady I am now dating can talk to anyone. She has never met a stranger. She started talking to a young lady that looked sad and found out that her husband had a affair and she was trying to decide what to do about it. My friend gave her some advice. Either go all in or get out. Don’t use the affair as a weapon to bring out and beat him with it when things go bad. If you are all in, forgive and move forward.  Don’t dwell on the affair or bring it up to get back at your partner.

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Good advice but hard to pull off.  I have seen where there is a need/want to punish the cheater and the one he cheated with. If that is the case, that might be done more effectively apart.  I don’t see  where that is going to repair problems in a relationship that led to the affair to start with.

Dealing with an Affair

When we separated before the divorce, the ex lashed out and brought up everything she could think of over 40 that I did wrong.  After all that , all I could say was, “You are lucky to be rid of me.” I know it was her anger talking but that certainly did not make me want to go back and subject myself to that kind of abuse.  It also did not address the root of our problems.

The reactions I see in many posts are just that, reactions.  They are not actions to address the problems that led to the affair.

I know each situation is different. But I really believe that unless the problem that led to the affair is revealed and addressed, you are just treading water for a time until the old reactions to the problem will arise.

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I posted this comment today to someone who is hurting:  When I was going through some tough times, some admittedly of my own making, a friend gave me a card holder with some sayings. I left this one out in front. “Actions of others cannot be controlled but we can control our own thoughts and actions.” Be strong! Don’t let the actions of others defeat you.

 

Jan
08

When I travel, I’ll listen to music on the plane.  Heard this today and it got me to thinking.  Am I way too good at goodbyes?

Now don’t get me wrong.  I did not want to say goodbye.  When you are in a relationship that lacks passion and passion is important to one partner, bad things can happen. Both partners become unhappy.  You can simply settle or you can seek passion. Seek happiness.

I did not settle.  Was I too good at goodbyes?

My first affair started innocently enough.  Two old friends getting together.  Not sure either of us knew where it would evidently take us. We had passion and we we were happy when we were together.  We broke things off.  Would she have taken things even further?  We talked about it.  Was I too good at goodbyes?

Trying again with the ex wife. Nothing changes,  Affair number 2.  Really torrid. She was ready to be together.  Both thought seriously about it.  She got tired of waiting.  Got married. Was I too good at goodbyes?

Tried again with the ex.  Again, no changes.  So i decided after saying goodbye to 2 partners, it was time to say goodbye to an unhappy, passionless marriage.  Now I will admit, this was the hardest goodbye.  I did not want it. Did not want to do it to someone I had known for over 40 years, but I did not want to be the grumpy old man, regretting loves lost and choosing to settle for unhappiness.  If I hadn’t said goodbye there would have been other affairs and other hurt partners.  And other goodbyes.  Time to end the cycle.

I don’t think I’m good at goodbyes.  Every goodbye hurt because I cared for everyone involved.

Since the divorce, I am with an incredible lady.  Passion. Happiness.  No goodbyes!

 

 

 

Jan
04

Starting the blog back led me to review my old posts.  I was amazed by how many involved sex (or lack thereof).  Well actually not amazed because I have always been a sexual person.  I was at one end of the sexual scale and the ex wife was at the other (maybe even off the scale).

I remember the old Woody Allen movie when he and his wife discussed sexual frequency:

 

I even posted on it:

https://2passion.wordpress.com/2012/11/04/sex-addict/

What is surprising is how many blogs I have recently looked at blame sexually addiction for affairs.  And I bet some of those involved are using sexual addition as an excuse for their actions as well.

It got me thinking.  Am I a sex addict?  My ex wife called me a sex maniac.  I was actually kinda proud of that but when she said I should have married a whore, I thought that was taking it a little too far!  But a lack of communication as to sexual wants and needs can lead to problems.  Especially when one’s desires are strong and they (rightly or wrongly) won’t settle.

I know that I was faithful for MANY years, even though my needs were not close to being met.  I tried to communicate that but either not well enough or to no avail.  So, add in some medical issues and life threatening events and the old life is too short thoughts kick in and with nothing to check it, bad things can happen.  So the affair started.  But did I have a sexual addiction?  I did want sex.  But I only had it with one person, who I knew and cared about.  She was married and going through some of the same issues I was. So we got together, getting what we needed.  Communication. Increased self esteem (somebody likes me and finds me attractive). And of course sex.  Great sex. Satisfying sex. And during that time together– no problems.

Of course, the problems always come later.

So?  Sex addict or not?

 

Jan
03

Now that I got your attention, I’ll try to quickly bring you up to date.  Better not to dwell on the past, rather look toward the future.

After D Day (closed captions— Discovery Day) I moved out for about 3 months.  Now so the newbies get it, my AP’s (Affair Partner) husband found a bunch of emails.  I still wonder if that was on purpose, but I digress.  I came back after the Wife asked me to– basically for appearances sake.  Small town. People talk. Hard to handle.  So the master enabler (me) moved back in.

We tried for a while but I knew it would never work and finally left again.  It took about a year to finalize the divorce and she finally signed on the last day before formal proceedings were to start.  She did not want it.  It was “my divorce”.

I shut down the blog during this time.  Evidence!!!  I was not sure she was going to consent to “my divorce” even though the terms were rather generous.  Neither of us were happy during this time and to stay together would have been a farce.  She wanted to stay together but for simply staying together’s sake.  We had been married a long time and she was comfortable with how we existed.  I was not.  People our age, married for so long just don’t get divorced.  Most just resign themselves to a passionless existence.  I’m trying to think of the right word.  Maybe it’s settle.  You simply settle in and settle for what your life is or isn’t. I was not willing to settle and hence the divorce.

During the separation and even after the divorce I was subjected to a lot of very bitter, nasty dare I say, vitriolic phone calls, texts and emails from the Wife.  I took them all for some time because in reality I did feel bad for her and bad for what I had to do.  I reminded her that if I was such an ass, why would she want me back?  She deserved to be happy and I was not doing a good job at that.  I deserved to be happy and wanted to find it.

Life is too short.  (You can quote me on that!)

I asked a  good friend if all our lady friends were mad and he said, “Yeah.  They hate you.”   I was about to say I don’t blame them and he interrupted, “No. They hate you because you proved it could be done.  We are all getting more sex than we have had for years. Thanks!”

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So divorce was final.  Summer 2014.

Jan
01

Wow! Really?  It’s 2019???  No way.

It was August 26, 2009, that I posted my first blog. Well, more of a “here I am– now what” kinda post.  I went over some of the old posts.  I was pretty prolific at times.  Pretty pitiful at times. And even pretty good at times.

The folks that have reunited are right.  It was some raw stuff and hard to read and relive.  I can see why some delete their blogs– just too painful. Actually more painful than I remembered.

I did find a post that I thought was interesting.

About Connections:  https://2passion.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/connections/

I’ll try to bring you up to date.  Lot of changes in the last few years.

In the meantime……………………

 

All the best!

2P

 

Dec
19

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I connected with an old friend and blogger.  Amazing how there are some people you can talk to and no matter how long it has been, you still connect. We caught up.  Lot of changes on both sides.

We talked about the “Blogging Days”.   Our friends.  Our protagonists.  It was amazing that we started blogging in 2010.  And it was amazing we all connected over common issues.  Maybe that common issue was connections or lack thereof.

I went back and looked at some of the old posts.  Wow!  A lot of emotion poured out for all to see.  Posting our innermost thoughts and feelings.  Hoping for a connection.

Funny.  None are still posting.  Stars Around My Soul, Seasweeties and Pams Planet hung in there for a while but the last post I have is almost 2 years old!   I went private for a while.  Destroying evidence in case the divorce got real ugly!  LOL!!  It didn’t but I just went back public.

Not sure who this will reach but I’d love to catch up.

There was a genuine concern for those in our group.  A genuine connection.

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2P

Apr
04

Wow!!

Just checked out the old email and realized how long it has been since I last posted.

And I hare that some of the old group has tried to log in and I did not know it.

Ok.  Let’s try this again.

I want updates.  Don’t make me come over there!!

2P

Dec
13

Like many of us in the blogging world, especially those that write about things our group did, we get burned out.  We get beaten up. It becomes hard to write and hear how others respond.  You question yourself. And what you are doing. And so you quit blogging. It is hard to believe it has been a year since I last posted.

But then, time passes.  You miss the interaction.  You miss the sharing.

So I decided to write again.

It has been an eventful year.  It was over a year ago that I moved out.
And this time, I didn’t go back!