2Passion's Blog
Confessions of a Baby Boomer

At a loss

This may touch some nerves and if so, I’m sorry.

I got another long text from the ex.  I’m still not certain about her purpose in sending them.  Most are just out of the blue and contain some sort of sermon.  There is really no rhyme or reason.  Without fail, the reference “your divorce” and some type of divine inspiration is worked in.  They are so long, I rarely read them.  Just skim to see if there is anything of importance and that never seems to be the case.

This one could have been a simple question about some things that she could not find when she moved.  Now realize this is 4 years ago.  I have a lot of things in storage but I was not really sure what she was talking about.  She also asked about 2 old bicycles, which I do have.

But in between that, she hit me me with “your divorce” and why do I hate and despise her and keep doing so, and generally continued with her sermon of the day.

I’ll go look for her stuff but I’d be more inclined if she had asked nicely.  No, it’s not a power thing, it’s a civil thing.  I’ve accepted responsibility for the affairs, for the separations and for the divorce. I’ve taken her attacks with an attitude that I deserved it, let her vent and get it out of her system so she can move on.  But I have realized that she is never going to move on and the attacks and sermons will continue until one of us dies.  She is taking the “till death us do part” thing quiet literally.

So here are my thoughts.  If you stay.  Go all in.  Don’t bring up the affair.  Trust.  And get over the triggers.  Either the affair/s are over and be in your relationship or get out.

If you choose to leave, make a clean split (as possible).  No regrets.  And move on.  I paid for my split.  Any person that cheats should.  Hold their feet to fire, get what you deserve (or more) and get on with your life.  Don’t pine over lost love.  Find a new love.  Don’t pine over lost memories.  Make new ones.

I know each couple’s circumstances are different and usually there are no easy answers.  But what is better, to move on or to drive yourself crazy over what someone else did to you? It is hard but being afraid or embarrassed is not a reason to live an unfulfilled and unhappy life. Better to live life unhappy by yourself than with someone you can’t get over betraying you and is a constant reminder of all the pain.

And one more thing, when there is an affair, sure the main culprit is the cheater but there is always a reason they cheated and often that comes with problems in the relationship.  Denying any responsibility for the affair (on either side) is a perfect way to assure one will happen again. Don’t just expect all the changes to come from the cheater, there are usually changes needed by both partners.

I really am at a loss.  My ex won’t more on.  Even after bringing up every bad thing I did since high school and all the faults she found in me, she still does not acknowledge that she is obviously better off without me. She was unhappy when we were together and unhappy now. She wears her woman scorned situation like a crown or to put it in her words, “Her cross to bear”.  To what end?  It has  caused problems with our children and friends.  I have tried to explain that the common thread through all these problems is her but she does not see that or admit any problems.  I’m at a loss.

It is not “your divorce” or “your affair”.  It is “our divorce” and it was “our affair”.  Until you acknowledge that you can’t move on and you face a real possibility of repeating the process in this relationship or the next.



3 Responses to “At a loss”

  1. I’ve seen it many times. I think she would have held onto the affair if you had stayed, now she hangs onto the divorce as a badge of courage. It’s ingrained in some people, and they never move on. They even hold onto it into the next relationship.

    You were probably on borrowed time whatever way you decided to do, stay or go. You were never going to get away from her anger.

    You are so right about having to be all in if you stay. Both parties have to be all in or it becomes a one sided relationship that doesn’t stand a chance of making it unless one of you is a masochist. I can see you rebelling against such pain so it speaks for itself.

    If she was a girlfriend, or a spurned affair partner, you could just block her and be done. I’m afraid you will have to get drastic and do something you don’t want to do, in order to bring a halt to her behavior.

    Good Luck……………….I don’t see it getting any better.

    Men are a different story. Once you find a new warm place, you are OK with life.

    • Thanks for you comment. Think you are right. The ex moved back to our hometown where our daughter lives. She is taking the brunt of the ex’s anger now. My daughter told me she never realized how much of a filter I was in dealing with her mother. Sad!

  2. I wanted things to work out with my ex husband, but him insisting on ending our marriage was a blessing in disguise… I don’t think I’d ever get over the hurt if I had do see him every day. Of course this left me with an entirely new set of problems, but nobody wins in divorce …. except the lawyers.

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