2Passion's Blog
Confessions of a Baby Boomer

Aftermath of an affair

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I was going to write something sexy or my attempt at sexy anyway.  A follow up to my sex addiction complex.

But I started reading several posts from those that I have recently followed and those that have found me.

It is really amazing the similarities to our group from 10 years ago.  The pain.  The disbelief. The confusion. The anger. The frustrations.

After my affairs, I tired to stay together but after no changes, in either of us I must say, I decided to get a divorce. I am happy. The ex is not.

Seeing these posts makes me realize how hard it is for some to move on. I think the blogs help get some of the emotions out. Help get understanding and help in dealing with all that has and is happening.  The ex can not move on. Maybe she should blog.  Maybe she is!

If you are now apart, that decision has been made and maybe moving on is a little easier for some.

If you are still together, either move on and separate or move on in your relationship. The lady I am now dating can talk to anyone. She has never met a stranger. She started talking to a young lady that looked sad and found out that her husband had a affair and she was trying to decide what to do about it. My friend gave her some advice. Either go all in or get out. Don’t use the affair as a weapon to bring out and beat him with it when things go bad. If you are all in, forgive and move forward.  Don’t dwell on the affair or bring it up to get back at your partner.

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Good advice but hard to pull off.  I have seen where there is a need/want to punish the cheater and the one he cheated with. If that is the case, that might be done more effectively apart.  I don’t see  where that is going to repair problems in a relationship that led to the affair to start with.

Dealing with an Affair

When we separated before the divorce, the ex lashed out and brought up everything she could think of over 40 that I did wrong.  After all that , all I could say was, “You are lucky to be rid of me.” I know it was her anger talking but that certainly did not make me want to go back and subject myself to that kind of abuse.  It also did not address the root of our problems.

The reactions I see in many posts are just that, reactions.  They are not actions to address the problems that led to the affair.

I know each situation is different. But I really believe that unless the problem that led to the affair is revealed and addressed, you are just treading water for a time until the old reactions to the problem will arise.

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I posted this comment today to someone who is hurting:  When I was going through some tough times, some admittedly of my own making, a friend gave me a card holder with some sayings. I left this one out in front. “Actions of others cannot be controlled but we can control our own thoughts and actions.” Be strong! Don’t let the actions of others defeat you.


3 Responses to “Aftermath of an affair”

  1. Much easier said than done to be all in when you’ve been so hurt and traumatized, and unless you’ve been betrayed, you can’t possibly understand why it’s so hard and almost impossible.

    Affair(s) start because the betrayer is lacking something within themselves (morals, integrity, honesty, transparency etc.) and has issues (self esteem, bored, feelings of being unloved, sexually dissatisfied etc.) and can’t/won’t be patient for a final resolution. If your spouse cannot meet you, or at least meet you in the middle, then you have some thinking to do. I agree wholeheartedly that it’s not acceptable to just live in lack or unhappily without any attempts AS A COUPLE to make the relationship better, but having an affair is never the answer unless all parties are in the know and agree to it. Never.

    The answer to problems is dealing with them, not hiding under sheets fucking other women.

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