2Passion's Blog
Confessions of a Baby Boomer

Sex Addict

Starting the blog back led me to review my old posts.  I was amazed by how many involved sex (or lack thereof).  Well actually not amazed because I have always been a sexual person.  I was at one end of the sexual scale and the ex wife was at the other (maybe even off the scale).

I remember the old Woody Allen movie when he and his wife discussed sexual frequency:

 

I even posted on it:

https://2passion.wordpress.com/2012/11/04/sex-addict/

What is surprising is how many blogs I have recently looked at blame sexually addiction for affairs.  And I bet some of those involved are using sexual addition as an excuse for their actions as well.

It got me thinking.  Am I a sex addict?  My ex wife called me a sex maniac.  I was actually kinda proud of that but when she said I should have married a whore, I thought that was taking it a little too far!  But a lack of communication as to sexual wants and needs can lead to problems.  Especially when one’s desires are strong and they (rightly or wrongly) won’t settle.

I know that I was faithful for MANY years, even though my needs were not close to being met.  I tried to communicate that but either not well enough or to no avail.  So, add in some medical issues and life threatening events and the old life is too short thoughts kick in and with nothing to check it, bad things can happen.  So the affair started.  But did I have a sexual addiction?  I did want sex.  But I only had it with one person, who I knew and cared about.  She was married and going through some of the same issues I was. So we got together, getting what we needed.  Communication. Increased self esteem (somebody likes me and finds me attractive). And of course sex.  Great sex. Satisfying sex. And during that time together– no problems.

Of course, the problems always come later.

So?  Sex addict or not?

 

7 Responses to “Sex Addict”

  1. I think not. When it’s all said and done, you have to satisfy yourself. When you aren’t getting your needs met, you go in search of what you are lacking. Women are the first one to tell you they didn’t have an affair to have more sex, they needed something else. Sure there a few but even men can find a lack of companionship, or something else to blame for the reason. It’s never black and white. Usually have to hunt or therapy for the real answer.

    It’s usually what you will settle for.

    Glad you are back.

    • Thanks. I forgot how cathartic posting can be. Back in the day, we posted for ourselves, sure, but we also posted to help others. We did not feel like we were going it alone. Maybe we can help someone through rough times. It’s why I still work. I think I can make a difference.

  2. In the case of my spouse (and many others), cheating/acting out was not about sex. In my case, my spouse could have had all the sex he wanted.

    My spouse acted out/cheated because conquest of getting women to want him was the drug. The sex was actually when the high dissipated and the shame spiral started. We had/have incredibly satisfying sex, so it is not typically the sex act or release that the sex addict is looking for, it’s everything before the sex that they seek. They’re trying to fill a cup that can never be filled because there’s a huge hole in it. Acting out becomes unmanageable and ruins their life, relationships, work, friendships. In my spouses case, he attempted suicide and almost succeeded.

    Unless using sex as a drug was your MO (and I don’t think it was), you’re not a sex addict.

    You like sex (welcome to the club 😉 ).

    • Thanks for your comments. Both of my affairs were long term and monogamous. Wow, that sounds weird!! They were with people I knew and cared about. They were with people that also lacked love, passion and communication in their relationships. We supported and helped each other but like all affairs we were never able to be all in. We were left out of major events in each other’s lives. That puts a strain on any real caring relationship. If those events don’t matter, the other person does not really matter. Think that is why both relationships ended. Not sure any of this makes sense but glad to hear I’m not a sex addict!!

      • Oh, I hadn’t read far back enough to see that you’ve cheated twice.

        You may not be a sex addict, but obviously cheating even once is wrong/disgusting and put your wife (and kids if you have them) in serious danger. Why didn’t you just leave your wife?

      • Deep down I wanted things to work. We did have kids. They were older but that really does not matter. They can still be hurt. After she found out about the first affair and I moved out, she asked me to move back in. More from social pressure in our small town than wanting anything to change. I did not realize that my friends all thought that she was abusive to me (mentally) and I was enabling her actions. I literally did everything. She did not want to lose that so she asked me to come back and I enabled her and did. I was seeking happiness in the affairs. I hoped for happiness in our marriage but I realized that the only real happy times were early on with the kids and other couples we traveled with. Once the kids were gone, there was no connection. Left to our own devices, there was nothing. I sought happiness and finally decided I would never get it in our marriage, so I filed for divorce. “My divorce”. She still did not want it. Just wanted us to be married. That was not enough for me. I’m not justifying cheating. It was wrong. I should have left before the first affair. Would have saved me a lot of counseling fees, wasted time and maybe even a little alimony!

  3. I haven’t read beyond this post but my guess is that you are not a sex addict. You were monogamous in your affair(s), whereby a sex addict is constantly feeding their addiction, like it’s a compulsion. They are with many, many partners…


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