Till death us do part

Forgot where I found this:

The oldest standard wedding vows can be traced back to the Book of Common Prayer, by Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury: “I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance.” The vows included in that book are derived from the Sarum rite of medieval England, which was originally translated in the earliest versions of the Book of Common Prayer as “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us depart.” The earlier 1549 version of the Book of Common Prayer retained the “till death us depart” (“depart” here meaning “separate:), changing over as of the 1662 version to read “till death us do part.” Eventually, the “us” and “do” were swapped, giving us the modern version: “till death do us part.” Remarkably, they’ve remained much the same ever since.

We have heard of the seven year itch.

Not the movie but the concept.

The seven-year itch can be analyzed quantitatively. Divorce rates show a trend in couples that, on average, divorce around seven years. Statistics show that there is a low risk of separation during the first months of marriage. After the “honeymoon” months, divorce rates start to increase. Most married couples experience a gradual decline in the quality of their marriage; in recent years around the fourth year of marriage. Around the seventh year, tensions rise to a point that couples either divorce or adapt to their partner.

Some quickly checked “facts”:

Today, Life expectancy for females is 81.2 years; for males, it’s 76.4 years. 17th-century English life expectancy was only about 35 years.    According to the Cambridge Group statistics done on wedding registrars starting in 1538, first marriages for men averaged around 28 years, and for women averaged around 26 in the 16th century. The average age of first marriage for women in 2017 was 27.4 years. For men, it’s slightly older at 29.5 years.

So let’s do the math.  In the 17th century, a couple could expect to be married for about 7-10 years till death did them part.  Today, we are looking at 50!  That’s right 50 years till death do us part.  Now THAT is a long commitment.  That’s 7 seven years itch!

Think for a moment of the physical and mental changes that go on  over 50 tears. I made it through 6 seven years itch.

The problem then is simply one of math.  When the vow was established, people only lived through 1 seven year itch.  Now, unfortunately, love often dies before the partners.

Maybe we should change the vow until love dies we part. The challenge is to keep love alive by giving each other what is needed so there is no reason to seek it elsewhere.

 

Hurt

The human heart dares not stay away too long from that which hurt it most. There is a return journey to anguish that few of us are released from making.

Lillian Smith, writer and social critic

I saw this quote and immediately thought of many of the bloggers I followed in the past and those I have connected with since firing this muther up again.

I haven’t posted in a while because frankly, I was overwhelmed.  There is so much anguish and pain and vengeance in the blogs and comments that it is hard to process.  It has done 2 things.

First, it has given me a new understanding of what the ex must be feeling after the divorce.  Maybe it helps explain why after 5 years, she has not been able to move on and still sends me bitter texts and emails.  I will try to cut her some more slack in that regard.

But it also reminds me of the quote above.  And of how much time and energy is put into this whole affair processing.   The central question is, “Is it worth it?”  I know everyone’s circumstances are different.  I tried to point out that responsibility in these matters usually falls on both parties, admittedly– not equally, and until both acknowledge that and decide on a course of action, nothing good will be accomplished.  That was not well received.

If you decide to try to stay together, do it.  Don’t have another affair.  (The Cheater)  Don’t dwell and bring up the affair at every occasion. (The Cheated On)  Decide why you want to stay together and if it is only revenge, move on.  If it is to cheat again, move on.

If you decide to move on and even if it was not your choice, really move on.  Again, don’t dwell and think of the affair at every occasion.  Triggers are only triggers if you let them put you in a bad place.  That choice is yours.

Oops….. I did it again!

When I cranked the blog back up, I intended to highlight what was going on in my life.  To document in some way what’s left of life’s journey.

Little did I know that I would again get involved with those that are now suffering what my group suffered 10 years ago.  The pain and hurt of infidelity, affairs, separation and divorce.

Back then, we hit each other pretty hard.  The blogs and comments were sometimes pointed and harsh but I really think that all were meant to help each other through some very trying times.

I took a lot of those shots because I deserved them. I cheated.  I had 2 affairs.  I hurt my ex.  I tried to keep things together but realized to do so would mean living in a sad, unhappy relationship, lacking in passion and real love.  I didn’t hate my ex (still don’t), just hated our lives together.  So I made the very hard choice and separated and divorced.  And I got blasted for it by some on here.   But again, the comments were meant to help — to get me to see things I had not seen and think about things unthought of.  I took the comments and criticism because I knew where my blogging family was coming from.  They wanted to help.

Being somewhat brutally honest caused a lot of controversy and criticisms before and now, sure ’nuff,   I did it again.  My comment to a post generated a lot of responses and before I could apologize and explain, the blogger took down their post and made it private.   In trying to help, I hurt.

The post was about boundaries.  But boundaries are only valid if clearly defined and all understand.  I crossed a boundary with my comments but I did not know it.  For that I apologize.

       I’m still learning.

Writing a blog can be cathartic in itself but it is the interaction with readers that can be even more helpful.  I know hearing other’s thoughts on situations helped and continues to help me.

But that’s just me.

I’ll be riding shotgun

And now a respite from all the issues we deal with day to day.

This weekend we went for another drive and as luck would have it, another exciting opportunity arose, so to speak.

Did you know you have to sign up for the premium plan to download videos?  So we will see how this works.  Could be interesting!

I started the blog to share experiences.  I did not know it was going to occur during a time when I had affairs but all that has been well documented.  That was a rough time as many of you going through the same can attest. Maybe by sharing our experiences we can help others get through their rough times.

There is hope.  There is happiness.  You have to be willing to take the hard choices (and expensive ones in some cases) and go for it.

Life is so short.  Enjoy!!!

That’s what we are doing!!

2P

Happiness. The choice is yours.

I chatted with a blogger friend today.  She used to wear me out!  Question what I was doing and was not shy about it.  What was interesting is that we shared a lot of common issues in our relationships and I think learned from each other and became close.

I love talking to her.  I think we share a unique bond.  She said we should not feel guilty or selfish for seeking happiness and that too often, those that stay in relationships (and even those that leave) are held as emotional hostages by their partner.

She said something very powerful today, ” “I’m glad you were brave enough to seek happiness!”

Maybe that sums up the quote above.  Deciding to seek happiness and walking thru that door requires bravery.  It is not easy. But as she pointed out, not doing that could mean a, “Sad and lonely existence”, even if you stay in the relationship.

I was distressed with some of the blogs I followed in the past  and by some I have now discovered.  Such a, “Sad and lonely existence”.

Be brave.  Walk through the door before it is shut.  Happiness may await.  It did for me.

 

Don’t Sex and Drive!

My current partner (yes partner, not affair partner, we are both single) is amazing!  She has a rating on the sexual desire scale that is equal to or greater than mine and that says a lot.  She is not afraid of trying new things.  Now she was no prude before we got together and had enjoyed sex but we have set many firsts on the sexual side.

One occurred just the other night.  We had gone out of town, had a great dinner and were driving home after a long day.  I was a little worried I might get sleepy.  She was dozing in the passenger seat when I reached over to rub between her legs.  I could tell she was enjoying it.  After a little while she asked, “You trying to get in my pants?”  Well YES!

So she proceeded to pull down her pants and panties and leaned back.

We were on the interstate then.

She got off before we got off– the interstate.  And it wasn’t fake!  75 MPH!  Now that was a first!

After we got off the interstate, she decided to return the favor.  Not a first and certainly not the last!

 

Needless to say I was wide awake!  So maybe you should sex and drive!

We plan on doing it in the daylight next time.  Another first.  Hopefully, pics included.

 

Age is just a state of mind!

Naughty by nature

When I started this blog, I wondered what to call it.  I wanted to write about my life. What was happening and the reactions to things going on around me.  The issues that affect folks my age.  I consider myself a passionate person.  Passionate in many ways.  When my older brother retired, I remember him saying that he had nothing he was really passionate about.  Nothing excited him.  I did not want that.

So I named the site 2Passion’s Blog.

I think my search for passion led to the affairs.  If you do not get what you need in a relationship, you may very well look for it elsewhere.  Maybe innocently enough at first but it can (and did) lead to trouble.

My ex called me a sex maniac and said I should have married a whore.  By her definition, a whore was someone who enjoyed sex.  She was definitely not a whore.  But she drove me to look for someone who enjoyed sex and would actually participate.

I wondered here if I was a sex addict.  I think not, but I am naughty by nature.

At the end of my first blogs, I included an image.

It got me interested in photography.

The wife would have none of it.  We took some Polaroids, yeah that far back!  But she destroyed them.  And she looked great.  Just the one time. We were just married.  Never again.

My first affair partner sent me a picture. Pretty tame but it was the thought that counted!

I took a few pictures of my second affair partner.

The special person in my life now takes pictures!

No wonder we get along so well!

Age is just a state of mind.  We definitely are enjoying our current state!

At a loss

This may touch some nerves and if so, I’m sorry.

I got another long text from the ex.  I’m still not certain about her purpose in sending them.  Most are just out of the blue and contain some sort of sermon.  There is really no rhyme or reason.  Without fail, the reference “your divorce” and some type of divine inspiration is worked in.  They are so long, I rarely read them.  Just skim to see if there is anything of importance and that never seems to be the case.

This one could have been a simple question about some things that she could not find when she moved.  Now realize this is 4 years ago.  I have a lot of things in storage but I was not really sure what she was talking about.  She also asked about 2 old bicycles, which I do have.

But in between that, she hit me me with “your divorce” and why do I hate and despise her and keep doing so, and generally continued with her sermon of the day.

I’ll go look for her stuff but I’d be more inclined if she had asked nicely.  No, it’s not a power thing, it’s a civil thing.  I’ve accepted responsibility for the affairs, for the separations and for the divorce. I’ve taken her attacks with an attitude that I deserved it, let her vent and get it out of her system so she can move on.  But I have realized that she is never going to move on and the attacks and sermons will continue until one of us dies.  She is taking the “till death us do part” thing quiet literally.

So here are my thoughts.  If you stay.  Go all in.  Don’t bring up the affair.  Trust.  And get over the triggers.  Either the affair/s are over and be in your relationship or get out.

If you choose to leave, make a clean split (as possible).  No regrets.  And move on.  I paid for my split.  Any person that cheats should.  Hold their feet to fire, get what you deserve (or more) and get on with your life.  Don’t pine over lost love.  Find a new love.  Don’t pine over lost memories.  Make new ones.

I know each couple’s circumstances are different and usually there are no easy answers.  But what is better, to move on or to drive yourself crazy over what someone else did to you? It is hard but being afraid or embarrassed is not a reason to live an unfulfilled and unhappy life. Better to live life unhappy by yourself than with someone you can’t get over betraying you and is a constant reminder of all the pain.

And one more thing, when there is an affair, sure the main culprit is the cheater but there is always a reason they cheated and often that comes with problems in the relationship.  Denying any responsibility for the affair (on either side) is a perfect way to assure one will happen again. Don’t just expect all the changes to come from the cheater, there are usually changes needed by both partners.

I really am at a loss.  My ex won’t more on.  Even after bringing up every bad thing I did since high school and all the faults she found in me, she still does not acknowledge that she is obviously better off without me. She was unhappy when we were together and unhappy now. She wears her woman scorned situation like a crown or to put it in her words, “Her cross to bear”.  To what end?  It has  caused problems with our children and friends.  I have tried to explain that the common thread through all these problems is her but she does not see that or admit any problems.  I’m at a loss.

It is not “your divorce” or “your affair”.  It is “our divorce” and it was “our affair”.  Until you acknowledge that you can’t move on and you face a real possibility of repeating the process in this relationship or the next.

 

 

I found you

I’ve quickly gotten back in the affair/infidelity world.  Seems my story and posts naturally track to those having similar experiences.

When I last blogged, we formed quiet a network of folks in various stages of disarray caused by affairs.  My biggest challenger (and best friend) was dealing with her own issues.  We all tried to help, console, advise.

I shut down my blog during the divorce and only recently started to get back into things.  I see a lot of the same things going on with the group I have connected to.  It is great to see your support for one another.  This stuff is hard. I hope it can show others that happiness is out there but you have to be willing to do what it takes to get it.  It may mean staying and trying to reconcile but it might mean splitting and finding someone.

I am an exception I guess.  After a long term marriage with counseling, then affairs with counseling, I could see that nothing was going to change and sought a divorce.  My ex did not want it.  I made a generous settlement proposal and she finally signed it on the day we were going to mediation.  Our anniversary as it turns out.

She left the small town where we had lived for so long and went back home to the big city.  It’s been over 6 years since I moved out 5 since the divorce.  She has not really moved on and I don’t think there is anything I can do to help her.

I think everyone wants happiness.  The ex said that was not important– staying married was, for staying married’s sake.  Till death do us part– the marriage was dead.

Why should a foolish marriage vow

John Dryden, 1631 – 1700

Why should a foolish marriage vow, 
  Which long ago was made,
Oblige us to each other now
  When passion is decay’d?
We loved, and we loved, as long as we could,
  Till our love was loved out in us both:
But our marriage is dead, when the pleasure is fled:
  ‘Twas pleasure first made it an oath.

If I have pleasures for a friend,
  And farther love in store,
What wrong has he whose joys did end,
  And who could give no more?
‘Tis a madness that he should be jealous of me,
Or that I should bar him of another:
For all we can gain is to give our selves pain,
When neither can hinder the other.

Don’t start!!  I know the vow is not foolish but you can’t just say you made a vow and not try to live up to the conditions.

After the divorce, I started dating an old friend after her husband died.  She is amazing, an energizer bunny.  Just keeps going and going. And so have  we. We have been lucky enough to travel and more importantly, make each other happy.

It does not hurt that her sexual scale probably exceeds mine.  And that says a lot!  Oh the things we have tried!!!

This is my story now.

This is my song, “I found you.”

I’m glad I did.

 

Hit me with your best shot

Ok. I think I probably bring a different perspective to this whole issue.  I think my ex was a narcissist.  I was an enabler. I was an adulterer.  I cheated. I tried to reconcile. It didn’t work. I filed for divorce. I have dealt with the aftermath of the affairs and the divorce.  I am very happy.  The ex is not and seems incapable of moving on. Maybe not different but broader.  Been there. Done that.

So I think that about covers it all. Plus throw in the fact that I am old, and you have wealth of knowledge.  I can tell you exactly what not to do!

Every situation is different.  I see people dealing with the pain of affairs.  What to do?  Reconcile?  Separate? Divorce?  Here is one thing I know, the aggrieved spouse has control if they know how to use it.  I don’t mean control  over the cheating partner but control over what happens.  In most cases, judges don’t like adultery and the threat of that can often benefit the aggrieved spouse if they want to separate or divorce.  But there is something that you need to be aware of. In some states, condonation is approval of certain behavior. As it applies to the divorce,condonation happens when you resume sexual relations after you learn that your partner has been unfaithful. A night together for old time’s sake after learning of adultery could pull the legs out from a case based on adultery.  It could also apply to other situations.

 

Also, I know of a case where the cheating partner wanted to reconcile and confessed to other affairs in counseling.  In our state, that is not protected and the aggrieved spouse hammered them in a settlement.

You never want to counsel people to get a divorce but you need to know what your legal rights are in your particular case.

So here I am. Hit me with your best shot.