Oops….. I did it again!

When I cranked the blog back up, I intended to highlight what was going on in my life.  To document in some way what’s left of life’s journey.

Little did I know that I would again get involved with those that are now suffering what my group suffered 10 years ago.  The pain and hurt of infidelity, affairs, separation and divorce.

Back then, we hit each other pretty hard.  The blogs and comments were sometimes pointed and harsh but I really think that all were meant to help each other through some very trying times.

I took a lot of those shots because I deserved them. I cheated.  I had 2 affairs.  I hurt my ex.  I tried to keep things together but realized to do so would mean living in a sad, unhappy relationship, lacking in passion and real love.  I didn’t hate my ex (still don’t), just hated our lives together.  So I made the very hard choice and separated and divorced.  And I got blasted for it by some on here.   But again, the comments were meant to help — to get me to see things I had not seen and think about things unthought of.  I took the comments and criticism because I knew where my blogging family was coming from.  They wanted to help.

Being somewhat brutally honest caused a lot of controversy and criticisms before and now, sure ’nuff,   I did it again.  My comment to a post generated a lot of responses and before I could apologize and explain, the blogger took down their post and made it private.   In trying to help, I hurt.

The post was about boundaries.  But boundaries are only valid if clearly defined and all understand.  I crossed a boundary with my comments but I did not know it.  For that I apologize.

       I’m still learning.

Writing a blog can be cathartic in itself but it is the interaction with readers that can be even more helpful.  I know hearing other’s thoughts on situations helped and continues to help me.

But that’s just me.

I’ll be riding shotgun

And now a respite from all the issues we deal with day to day.

This weekend we went for another drive and as luck would have it, another exciting opportunity arose, so to speak.

Did you know you have to sign up for the premium plan to download videos?  So we will see how this works.  Could be interesting!

I started the blog to share experiences.  I did not know it was going to occur during a time when I had affairs but all that has been well documented.  That was a rough time as many of you going through the same can attest. Maybe by sharing our experiences we can help others get through their rough times.

There is hope.  There is happiness.  You have to be willing to take the hard choices (and expensive ones in some cases) and go for it.

Life is so short.  Enjoy!!!

That’s what we are doing!!

2P

Happiness. The choice is yours.

I chatted with a blogger friend today.  She used to wear me out!  Question what I was doing and was not shy about it.  What was interesting is that we shared a lot of common issues in our relationships and I think learned from each other and became close.

I love talking to her.  I think we share a unique bond.  She said we should not feel guilty or selfish for seeking happiness and that too often, those that stay in relationships (and even those that leave) are held as emotional hostages by their partner.

She said something very powerful today, ” “I’m glad you were brave enough to seek happiness!”

Maybe that sums up the quote above.  Deciding to seek happiness and walking thru that door requires bravery.  It is not easy. But as she pointed out, not doing that could mean a, “Sad and lonely existence”, even if you stay in the relationship.

I was distressed with some of the blogs I followed in the past  and by some I have now discovered.  Such a, “Sad and lonely existence”.

Be brave.  Walk through the door before it is shut.  Happiness may await.  It did for me.

 

Don’t Sex and Drive!

My current partner (yes partner, not affair partner, we are both single) is amazing!  She has a rating on the sexual desire scale that is equal to or greater than mine and that says a lot.  She is not afraid of trying new things.  Now she was no prude before we got together and had enjoyed sex but we have set many firsts on the sexual side.

One occurred just the other night.  We had gone out of town, had a great dinner and were driving home after a long day.  I was a little worried I might get sleepy.  She was dozing in the passenger seat when I reached over to rub between her legs.  I could tell she was enjoying it.  After a little while she asked, “You trying to get in my pants?”  Well YES!

So she proceeded to pull down her pants and panties and leaned back.

We were on the interstate then.

She got off before we got off– the interstate.  And it wasn’t fake!  75 MPH!  Now that was a first!

After we got off the interstate, she decided to return the favor.  Not a first and certainly not the last!

 

Needless to say I was wide awake!  So maybe you should sex and drive!

We plan on doing it in the daylight next time.  Another first.  Hopefully, pics included.

 

Age is just a state of mind!

Naughty by nature

When I started this blog, I wondered what to call it.  I wanted to write about my life. What was happening and the reactions to things going on around me.  The issues that affect folks my age.  I consider myself a passionate person.  Passionate in many ways.  When my older brother retired, I remember him saying that he had nothing he was really passionate about.  Nothing excited him.  I did not want that.

So I named the site 2Passion’s Blog.

I think my search for passion led to the affairs.  If you do not get what you need in a relationship, you may very well look for it elsewhere.  Maybe innocently enough at first but it can (and did) lead to trouble.

My ex called me a sex maniac and said I should have married a whore.  By her definition, a whore was someone who enjoyed sex.  She was definitely not a whore.  But she drove me to look for someone who enjoyed sex and would actually participate.

I wondered here if I was a sex addict.  I think not, but I am naughty by nature.

At the end of my first blogs, I included an image.

It got me interested in photography.

The wife would have none of it.  We took some Polaroids, yeah that far back!  But she destroyed them.  And she looked great.  Just the one time. We were just married.  Never again.

My first affair partner sent me a picture. Pretty tame but it was the thought that counted!

I took a few pictures of my second affair partner.

The special person in my life now takes pictures!

No wonder we get along so well!

Age is just a state of mind.  We definitely are enjoying our current state!

At a loss

This may touch some nerves and if so, I’m sorry.

I got another long text from the ex.  I’m still not certain about her purpose in sending them.  Most are just out of the blue and contain some sort of sermon.  There is really no rhyme or reason.  Without fail, the reference “your divorce” and some type of divine inspiration is worked in.  They are so long, I rarely read them.  Just skim to see if there is anything of importance and that never seems to be the case.

This one could have been a simple question about some things that she could not find when she moved.  Now realize this is 4 years ago.  I have a lot of things in storage but I was not really sure what she was talking about.  She also asked about 2 old bicycles, which I do have.

But in between that, she hit me me with “your divorce” and why do I hate and despise her and keep doing so, and generally continued with her sermon of the day.

I’ll go look for her stuff but I’d be more inclined if she had asked nicely.  No, it’s not a power thing, it’s a civil thing.  I’ve accepted responsibility for the affairs, for the separations and for the divorce. I’ve taken her attacks with an attitude that I deserved it, let her vent and get it out of her system so she can move on.  But I have realized that she is never going to move on and the attacks and sermons will continue until one of us dies.  She is taking the “till death us do part” thing quiet literally.

So here are my thoughts.  If you stay.  Go all in.  Don’t bring up the affair.  Trust.  And get over the triggers.  Either the affair/s are over and be in your relationship or get out.

If you choose to leave, make a clean split (as possible).  No regrets.  And move on.  I paid for my split.  Any person that cheats should.  Hold their feet to fire, get what you deserve (or more) and get on with your life.  Don’t pine over lost love.  Find a new love.  Don’t pine over lost memories.  Make new ones.

I know each couple’s circumstances are different and usually there are no easy answers.  But what is better, to move on or to drive yourself crazy over what someone else did to you? It is hard but being afraid or embarrassed is not a reason to live an unfulfilled and unhappy life. Better to live life unhappy by yourself than with someone you can’t get over betraying you and is a constant reminder of all the pain.

And one more thing, when there is an affair, sure the main culprit is the cheater but there is always a reason they cheated and often that comes with problems in the relationship.  Denying any responsibility for the affair (on either side) is a perfect way to assure one will happen again. Don’t just expect all the changes to come from the cheater, there are usually changes needed by both partners.

I really am at a loss.  My ex won’t more on.  Even after bringing up every bad thing I did since high school and all the faults she found in me, she still does not acknowledge that she is obviously better off without me. She was unhappy when we were together and unhappy now. She wears her woman scorned situation like a crown or to put it in her words, “Her cross to bear”.  To what end?  It has  caused problems with our children and friends.  I have tried to explain that the common thread through all these problems is her but she does not see that or admit any problems.  I’m at a loss.

It is not “your divorce” or “your affair”.  It is “our divorce” and it was “our affair”.  Until you acknowledge that you can’t move on and you face a real possibility of repeating the process in this relationship or the next.

 

 

I found you

I’ve quickly gotten back in the affair/infidelity world.  Seems my story and posts naturally track to those having similar experiences.

When I last blogged, we formed quiet a network of folks in various stages of disarray caused by affairs.  My biggest challenger (and best friend) was dealing with her own issues.  We all tried to help, console, advise.

I shut down my blog during the divorce and only recently started to get back into things.  I see a lot of the same things going on with the group I have connected to.  It is great to see your support for one another.  This stuff is hard. I hope it can show others that happiness is out there but you have to be willing to do what it takes to get it.  It may mean staying and trying to reconcile but it might mean splitting and finding someone.

I am an exception I guess.  After a long term marriage with counseling, then affairs with counseling, I could see that nothing was going to change and sought a divorce.  My ex did not want it.  I made a generous settlement proposal and she finally signed it on the day we were going to mediation.  Our anniversary as it turns out.

She left the small town where we had lived for so long and went back home to the big city.  It’s been over 6 years since I moved out 5 since the divorce.  She has not really moved on and I don’t think there is anything I can do to help her.

I think everyone wants happiness.  The ex said that was not important– staying married was, for staying married’s sake.  Till death do us part– the marriage was dead.

Why should a foolish marriage vow

John Dryden, 1631 – 1700

Why should a foolish marriage vow, 
  Which long ago was made,
Oblige us to each other now
  When passion is decay’d?
We loved, and we loved, as long as we could,
  Till our love was loved out in us both:
But our marriage is dead, when the pleasure is fled:
  ‘Twas pleasure first made it an oath.

If I have pleasures for a friend,
  And farther love in store,
What wrong has he whose joys did end,
  And who could give no more?
‘Tis a madness that he should be jealous of me,
Or that I should bar him of another:
For all we can gain is to give our selves pain,
When neither can hinder the other.

Don’t start!!  I know the vow is not foolish but you can’t just say you made a vow and not try to live up to the conditions.

After the divorce, I started dating an old friend after her husband died.  She is amazing, an energizer bunny.  Just keeps going and going. And so have  we. We have been lucky enough to travel and more importantly, make each other happy.

It does not hurt that her sexual scale probably exceeds mine.  And that says a lot!  Oh the things we have tried!!!

This is my story now.

This is my song, “I found you.”

I’m glad I did.

 

Hit me with your best shot

Ok. I think I probably bring a different perspective to this whole issue.  I think my ex was a narcissist.  I was an enabler. I was an adulterer.  I cheated. I tried to reconcile. It didn’t work. I filed for divorce. I have dealt with the aftermath of the affairs and the divorce.  I am very happy.  The ex is not and seems incapable of moving on. Maybe not different but broader.  Been there. Done that.

So I think that about covers it all. Plus throw in the fact that I am old, and you have wealth of knowledge.  I can tell you exactly what not to do!

Every situation is different.  I see people dealing with the pain of affairs.  What to do?  Reconcile?  Separate? Divorce?  Here is one thing I know, the aggrieved spouse has control if they know how to use it.  I don’t mean control  over the cheating partner but control over what happens.  In most cases, judges don’t like adultery and the threat of that can often benefit the aggrieved spouse if they want to separate or divorce.  But there is something that you need to be aware of. In some states, condonation is approval of certain behavior. As it applies to the divorce,condonation happens when you resume sexual relations after you learn that your partner has been unfaithful. A night together for old time’s sake after learning of adultery could pull the legs out from a case based on adultery.  It could also apply to other situations.

 

Also, I know of a case where the cheating partner wanted to reconcile and confessed to other affairs in counseling.  In our state, that is not protected and the aggrieved spouse hammered them in a settlement.

You never want to counsel people to get a divorce but you need to know what your legal rights are in your particular case.

So here I am. Hit me with your best shot.

 

Can you go back?

I keep wanting to move on to the good, sexy, passionate part of my story but I am constantly drawn to the posts of others who have and are going through the pain of affairs.

As crazy as it sounds, I also had pain even though I was the cheater.  I felt pain for my ex.  I felt pain for my partners.  And I felt pain myself that I caused others pain.  Not my intention but fact.

Yesterday I went to a funeral. An amazing lady  True pillar of the church. She is going home!

 

The funeral was held at the church the ex and I went to for many years.  We had started going somewhere else toward the end on our marriage, for a number of reasons unrelated to our situation.  So it had been a while since I had been there.  When I was looking for the family, the new pastor asked, and rather briskly, “Can I help you?”  I started to say, “No,  I was here for 30 years before you got here.”  But i didn’t.  But that put me back into the church.  Back into the congregation,  We called ourselves a warm, inviting church.  But we weren’t.  More the “frozen chosen”.

I saw some old friends I had not seen in a while.  They appeared to be clearly divided.  Those that were happy to see me happy.  And those that were pissed to see me happy.  All that was a direct response to the divorce and probably my affair. Maybe I need to redefine friends.

When the kids were young, we had probably 13 couples with young children that hung around together.  Dinners.  Golf. Beach trips. Vacations.  You name it.  Well, one couple got a divorce and that was it for them.  Piranhas would have been more welcome to our next beach trip.  Both ended up relocating. Those close, christian friends were not so close after all.  And at a time when friends were needed most.

I have realized that we were really not that close to anyone toward the end of our marriage.  We rarely went out.  Never had people over.  We have some good friends now that we are closer with than before.

After the divorce, the ex moved back to our home town.  Not that far away.  She did not like being labeled as the betrayed spouse and still lets me know if she runs into someone and they say anything, about anything.

So, bottom line, affairs cause all kinds of pain to a lot of people.  It breaks up friendships. It can also define true friendship.  But it is hard to go back!

Aftermath of an affair

I was going to write something sexy or my attempt at sexy anyway.  A follow up to my sex addiction complex.

But I started reading several posts from those that I have recently followed and those that have found me.

It is really amazing the similarities to our group from 10 years ago.  The pain.  The disbelief. The confusion. The anger. The frustrations.

After my affairs, I tired to stay together but after no changes, in either of us I must say, I decided to get a divorce. I am happy. The ex is not.

Seeing these posts makes me realize how hard it is for some to move on. I think the blogs help get some of the emotions out. Help get understanding and help in dealing with all that has and is happening.  The ex can not move on. Maybe she should blog.  Maybe she is!

If you are now apart, that decision has been made and maybe moving on is a little easier for some.

If you are still together, either move on and separate or move on in your relationship. The lady I am now dating can talk to anyone. She has never met a stranger. She started talking to a young lady that looked sad and found out that her husband had a affair and she was trying to decide what to do about it. My friend gave her some advice. Either go all in or get out. Don’t use the affair as a weapon to bring out and beat him with it when things go bad. If you are all in, forgive and move forward.  Don’t dwell on the affair or bring it up to get back at your partner.

Good advice but hard to pull off.  I have seen where there is a need/want to punish the cheater and the one he cheated with. If that is the case, that might be done more effectively apart.  I don’t see  where that is going to repair problems in a relationship that led to the affair to start with.

When we separated before the divorce, the ex lashed out and brought up everything she could think of over 40 that I did wrong.  After all that , all I could say was, “You are lucky to be rid of me.” I know it was her anger talking but that certainly did not make me want to go back and subject myself to that kind of abuse.  It also did not address the root of our problems.

The reactions I see in many posts are just that, reactions.  They are not actions to address the problems that led to the affair.

I know each situation is different. But I really believe that unless the problem that led to the affair is revealed and addressed, you are just treading water for a time until the old reactions to the problem will arise.

I posted this comment today to someone who is hurting:  When I was going through some tough times, some admittedly of my own making, a friend gave me a card holder with some sayings. I left this one out in front. “Actions of others cannot be controlled but we can control our own thoughts and actions.” Be strong! Don’t let the actions of others defeat you.