When we left the doctor’s office with the original diagnosis from the biopsy, the Wife asked when we could have sex.  I wondered why that concerned her since we don’t have it that often anyway.  They said any time you felt comfortable after a few days.

Evidently,  one of the (many) unknown side effects from this experience was that you should wear a condom when you have sex after a biopsy.  Now I guess it is not absolutely required but they say your semen will be bloody or discolored for a while.  So better safe than sorry.

I wondered if this was true so I decided to check things out.

Now I must admit that I have on occasion taken things in my own hands.  So I went for a test drive.  Not pretty.  I figured you might need to flush the pipes, so I kept at it. Dirty work– but someone has to do it!!  After several times, the bullets were still discolored.  Yeah I know — gross.  But there is not a lot about this whole process that is very pleasant.

After several weeks, the Wife asked if I had any condoms.  Turns out I did.  Tucked away in the night stand.

(Notice– XL!!!!)

Anyway– did you know they have an expiration date?   Like milk or something.  Wonder if they go sour?  Guess they could dry out.  Luckily, we were just under the wire.  Tells you how often they were used.

After another brief sexual encounter, I was advised that these particular condoms were not very comfortable.

So off to the store I go.  Now I have not bought condoms for years.   Damn, those fancy ones are expensive.  I decided on a 3 pack.  Should last for 2012.  Funny but you are still looking around to see if anyone you know is there.  They have them in little protective cases now, so you can’t even go thru the self checkout.  Have to pick the right check out person.  Felt like an awkward teen!!!

I’ll let you know if they pass the test.  If I ever get to use them!!

http://2passion.wordpress.com/2009/12/24/the-kiss/

http://2passion.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/the-kiss-redux/

She has been fighting her own battles.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer and has been going through chemo.  She lost all her hair.  And it really drained her.  Now this is a vivacious, energetic lady.  I get tired just trying to keep up with all she does. She travels. Rides horses competitively.  And has a huge extended family.  (Second marriage for both.)  And the treatments knocked her down.  Hard to see her go through it.

She had a boob job 20 years ago.  And they still look great.

We have talked a lot since she was diagnosed and has gone through her treatment.  She has had some sexual issues with her husband before (not enough) and what is sad is that he has not touched her since they found out.  Damn, you can’t catch breast cancer!!!!

As I have related, we have always had this attraction and teased with each other.  Quiet frankly, I thought she was out of my league.  But it has become clear that the attarction is mutual.  We have managed to steal some hugs and kisses along the way.  Just friendly stuff.

She is going for a mastectomy this week.  We have really been able to relate to the effects of our treatments.  Many people have just said to her to just get rid of them– don’t need boobs!!  Especially at your age.  But her looks are important to her.  Her boobs are important to her.  I don’t think that is vain.  I think that is all a product of who she is and her attitude.  She is older in age but that is really just a state of mind and she is young at heart.

Monday she came by the office.  Everyone was gone.  When she came in, I held her close, gave her a big hug.  And then a kiss.  I will admit, it was more than a friendly kiss but both of us need some assurance that we are still attractive and desirable and desired.  Neither of us get it at home.  She could tell everything was still working on my part — not sure how long that will last!!! Nothing else happened.  We just talked.

As she left, she said we should not be alone.  I asked her who she did not trust and she said, “BOTH!!!”

I’ll be thinking of her tomorrow.

Some friends deliver all the benefits.

I have gotten this down to an art!!  I used to think I was being nonproductive but that was then this is now!!  It’s good to know that you are finally getting proficient at something.

We probably have all gone through those down cycles.  Mine usually coincide with my down cycles with SM.  This last one hit particularly hard.  You know the drill.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.  You feel worthless.  You have no energy nor desire to do anything.  Nothing seems fun or worthwhile.   Just ink me up!!!

Right now, I do what I have to do.  No real incentive, other than staying out of trouble.  Used to not be that way.  But that was then…..

Throw in the cancer diagnosis and you’ve got a real problem.

So you pretty much just sit there.  Not worth a shit!!

I remember driving down the interstate  years ago and seeing a billboard for XM Radio.  What the heck was that??  Never heard of it.  I checked it out and said– wow this is cool.  I drive a lot.  Would be great for trips.  So I got it.  Yeah, I know, a boy and his toys.

One of my favorite channels is 70s on 7.   I can put it on and I know every song and most of the words!!  Brings back good times and mainly good memories.  It’s amazing how you can hear one of those songs and remember where you were, what you were doing and who you were with.  Music can have that type of effect on you.

Another thing that happens is you listen to the words and they can take on new meanings.  So here we are, Jackson 5…. Never Can Say Goodbye.

Post after post.  We can never say goodbye.  Even though it would be better for all concerned. Better for those that left and certainly better for those that were left.

Everyone of us have dreams.  Many of us have those dreams of getting out of abusive, loveless or passionless (is that a word??) relationships.   It’s not easy, but many people do it without a second thought.

Many see their dreams with that person who lit up their lives.  Who brought out their passion.  Who matched it like no one  else ever had.  But then something goes wrong. One or the other or both won’t follow through.  It turns out they were not the person you thought they were.

Problem is– they were that person — it is just that you could not see it while everything else was going on.

But we hold on (sometimes too long) to the dream.  The possibility that the dream will come true.  It not only makes life interesting, often it is what you live for.

Sometimes, others shatter our dreams.  Sometimes we shatter our own.  And sometimes circumstances develop that shatter them.

For all I have done and not done, I still dreamed that SM and I would be together.  Now it’s  difficult to dream at all.  Just nightmares!

Right there in the middle. Average.

SM and I have been talking quiet a bit lately.  She is very supportive.  She is an amazing person.  As she has said, she has not forgotten but she has forgiven.  Pretty rational approach.  And very classy. And VERY forgiving.

We were talking about the different procedures and the effects.  I told her that things, from a sexual standpoint, would never be normal again.  She asked, “What was so normal about 5 times??”  I had to laugh.  Now THAT was an amazing night!!!  So she had counted the number of times I had climaxed.  I stopped counting hers at 5!!  Not bad for an old fart if I do say so myself.

Now according to this chart, I am currently in my late 20s.   Trouble is, I’m not getting to take advantage of the situation.  Fleeting as it has become.

SM pointed out that I had made my choice and if the sex was so bad now, what was I worried about?  OUCH!!!!!!  She gets her zingers in  there when she can.  Can’t blame her.

But she also said that a man was more than the sex.  I know she is right but I still can’t really deal with the concept.  OK, typical man (well maybe not typical for one my age) but guys just have this thing about their sexuality.  Their ability to be a good lover.  Their ability (at least in my case) to satisfy their partner. And I know, there are other ways to do all those things but I just want things to be normal– you know, 5 times a night!!!

Small towns are different.  I’m from a big city so I know the difference.  In a big city, you can get lost.  You can go and do things with a certain amount of anonymity.  Big cities have small towns in them.  The circles you normally travel in, the places you frequent.  But it’s still very different.  When your kids get in trouble in a small town– you’ll usually know about it pretty quick.  When the pharmacist is screwing his tech, they know about it at the beauty shop.  And discuss it openly.

Call it what you will, but word gets out.

But it seems bad news travels faster.  For every birth you have a divorce and an affair.  And aren’t they more fun to talk about??? My separation was getting out and that more or less led me to go back home.  My how folks can talk!!!   I’m surprised my affair has not made the rounds.  Maybe it has.

Evidently, I’m in the loop.  Have been getting calls and emails.  Some just ask my co workers– might be catching you know.  I’m also making the prayer lists.  This is particularly strong in small towns or small towns within big cities.  I had to think about getting on those.  Not because of concern or non belief but because once you are on there, it’s like kudzu growing.

Word will spread very quickly!!!!

Word is I’ll be dead soon.  But that’s just gossip.

Still going through the fact-finding process.  Don’t know how many times I have seen or said  that the options are just not very good for quality of life issues.  Of course, why would someone my age even care about those?  If you have to ask that, you’ve missed the point of this blog.  It’s about passion.  A passion for life.  Whether that be in the South, Minnesota, the Caribbean, Hawaii, the Carolinas, East Coast, Arizona, New York, England or back home after a traumatic divorce or D Day.   In many cases, our desire for passion led us into affairs.  In some, it plays out in our relationships (lucky you!!!).  In others, work and life.  But it is often passion which drives us and it is the lack of passion that deflates us (wow– what a play on words!!)

From all my research, the best that can be said is that things will be different.  If you get past urinary issues, which seems likely now with today’s techniques (thankfully), then you must deal with the sexual issues.  The issues vary from procedure to procedure but it is safe to say it will not be the same and it will never be as good.  That’s something that is hard to get a grip on. (No pun intended.)

I am meeting with the oncologist next week.  He is with the same group as the surgeon I met with last Friday.  I want to explore all options.

You need to heal from the biopsy before you do anything.  But this gives a realistic timeline of treatment in late January.

Sooooooooooooooo, I have about 6 weeks of “normal” life left.  About 6 weeks of “normal” sex.  The problem is, I don’t want “normal” sex.  I want the knock everyone’s socks off sex!!

So, I’m taking volunteers.  Don’t say Wife,  that just ain’t going to happen.  SM has been very supportive but don’t think she will go there.  So I’m out of options.  Don’t want to brag but the sex was amazing!!!  Maybe it would have been better if I did not have that to compare.

What would you do?   Six weeks.

Time flies when you are having fun!!!

Ok.  I confess.  I’m a big Star Trek fan.  The original TV show was ground breaking on many levels.  There are a lot of lessons in the stories.  So it was no wonder I thought of this scene after speaking with the doctor on Friday.  Click on the link above.

The day started as expected.  Thirty minutes late leaving.  You would think after all these years and all the trips that we could leave on time just once.  But that is for another day.   We were moving right along until the wreck on the Interstate ground traffic to a halt.  Completely stopped for as far as you could see.  We got off and took the back roads.  Called and said we would be late.  Ahhhh…. nothing like a stress free morning to prepare you to talk to your cancer surgeon.

We were an hour late and I was ready for a long day but I was able to get right in.  The doctor was very nice.  He was very knowledgeable.  He had his presentation down.  He has done over 1800 prostate surgeries.  Prostatectomy they call it.  Hard to pronounce.  Harder to imagine and even harder to endure.  It involves the removal of the prostate while TRYING to save the nerves, blood vessels and other things that are involved.

My doctor!!!

I got him off his presentation a bit when I referred to all the procedures as barbaric.  Guess you could call cancer barbaric, so the treatments must meet the challenge.  Brought the Star Trek scene to mind.  Yeah– that is sad I know!!  I need to get a life– wait– too late!!!

To his credit, he did go over the other treatment options.  Just none of the options are very good.   The Wife and I have talked about all this.  When we talked about the possibility of impotence, she asked what were the bad side effects.  Ok, she didn’t– just an attempt at humor.

I’m sure there are stages of dealing with finding out you have cancer, just like there are stages of cancer.  Not sure where I fall in the former, T1C in the later.

I’m swaying back and forth among the various treatments.  No real hurry.  Most prostate cancers are slow going.

Just wonder where Bones is when I need him!!!

First, thanks for all the well wishes.  Guess it’s hard to kick a man when he is down.

Am going to the next doctor tomorrow and will try to process things and update.

Thanks again.

Hummmmm… maybe I should change my name,  2P or not 2P.  Sorry, little sick joke.